Top 10 Lindsay Lohan Stories of 2012

Lindsay Lohan

 

Once again, Lindsay Lohan remained the most interesting movie star on the planet without releasing a movie. (Liz and Dick aired on Lifetime—it’s not a real movie.) The gods who control troubled-but-talented starlets pulled some serious puppet strings this year, creating their most entertaining year yet, leaving us with a story both hilarious and heartbreaking—a masterpiece in legend making that will either portray Lindsay as either one of the most tragic or campy stars of all time. Here’s the sparknotes edition of a year that will be deemed important in (hopefully) 60 years when Lindsay dies and Vanity Fair looks back on her life.

 

10. In Which She Clogs a Toilet and Becomes Besties With Charlie Sheen. Because we live in a sexist society, Lindsay Lohan’s drinking problems have landed her in Lifetime movies while Charlie Sheen makes millions on his own sitcom. Because both Lindsay and Charlie share dark spaces in the pop culture lexicon, they both agreed to mock themselves in Scary Movie 5. Predictably, the messiest duo since the original Liz and Dick fucked up the shoot, leading to both funny and sad news stories. The funny part: Lindsay’s giant poops clogged the set’s toilets. The sad part: She wailed to Charlie about her tax problems, and he agreed to pay a portion of her debt. A few months later, she couldn’t shore up the rest of the money she owed so the government froze her banking account that was probably just filled with 6126 leggings.

 

9. In Which She Somehow Starts and Ruins a Comeback at the Same Time. Any sensible publicist would recommend a fallen star to disappear for a year and then return to SNL in top form. Lindsay being Lindsay, she insisted on starring on the show a month before her probation expired. She failed, but scored the highest rated episode of the season,.

 

8. In Which LiLo Has a Really Fun (aka Crime Filled) Summer. Lindsay spent this summer filming three movies, but you wouldn’t know that if you read Perez Hilton since Lindsay had her most infamous summer since her last summer off formal probation, the summer of 2007 when she went to rehab three times and hijacked some frat bro’s car. In three months she managed to crash a Porsche; throw a bottle full of vodka out of said car’s trunk; lie to cops about driving the car; sleep through her alarm, causing Lifetime executives to think she died; charge nearly $10,000 dollars of alcohol to her room at the Château Marmont; steal her friend’s jewelry and blame the crime on Suge Knight’s son although Suge Knight would totally have no problem killing her since he (allegedly) may have been involved in Biggie’s death; and somehow filmed three movies and avoid arrest till November. Oh, also, her Mom filmed a drunk interview with Dr. Phil.

 

7. In Which Lohan and Romney Live Parallel Lives. Both Lindsay Lohan and Mitt Romney attempted comebacks this year, and both suffered fallbacks and irreversible failures at the same time. As Lindsay ran over a dude at the Dream Hotel, Mitt called “47% of Americans” lazy. In November he lost the election and she starred in Liz and Dick. Occasionally, their paths of destruction pass. Lindsay endorsed him on Twitter, and one night at a club she became two degrees away from Mitt when she brought a Republican congressional staffer back to her hotel room and then accused him of strangling her after he took a photo of her on his phone that, I assume, showed her sniffing cocaine.

 

6. In Which Her Father Stages Failed Intervention.  Prior to Lindsay’s now infamous November assault arrest (well, it was infamous the moment TMZ reported it but you know what I mean), her father, lawyer, and manager attempted an intervention at her house. Lindsay’s publicist denies her manager’s involvement, but emails leaked to TMZ reveal that her team was involved. Lindsay called the cops on her team surprisingly nobody because…well, let’s just say #5 takes care that.

 

5. In Which Lindsay Becomes a Real Person, and We Sympathize With Her.  Before Michael Lohan leaked emails about his daughter, he gave TMZ an audio recording of a conversation he had with Lindsay before he called the cops on Lindsay’s mother, Dina. In the recording Lindsay cries to her father. She gave her mother forty grand to prevent her from losing her house. The footage reveals a Lindsay we haven’t seen since her parents’ divorce: A fragile young girl who has played the breadwinner role since age three without ever having the chance to either be a child or grow up.

 

4. In Which Lindsay Punches a Psychic, Making Us No Longer Feel Bad For Her. Then Lindsay got wasted at a Justin Bieber concert and allegedly punched a psychic over some dude from some shitty bad boy version of One Direction, reminding us that there are kids from Compton with shorter arrest records, and worse childhoods, than LiLo.

 

3. In Which Lindsay Becomes a Muse. James Franco, Richard Phillips, and other artists used Lindsay as a muse in their multimedia art this year. Philips claims Lindsay inspires him because he’s unsure if she will survive or not. “That is very precisely an American question, you know? It stays with us, and she has embodied that,” explaining why we all continue to watch this mess unfold.

 

2. In Which Lindsay Single Handily Resurrects Camp. Smash premiered and a thousand writers declared then end of camp. Then Liz and Dick aired, and we watched Lindsay delusionally believe she was in a real movie, and commit to every bottle throw like she was on the road to an Emmy, when really she was in a liberal arts students’ film final: a live action production of Susan Sontag’s “On Camp.” The film haunts like an Ed Wood production because you’re not really sure if Lindsay’s career will ever return, but you know she’s trying hard. Gays will never be the same.

 

1. In Which We Still Have Hope. Ain’t gonna lie, The Canyons looks super interesting, and Lady GaGa has chosen LiLo as both her new bff and music video co-star, a role Beyonce has played in the past. As we said in ‘07, ‘08, ‘09, ‘10, and ‘11, maybe next year will be your personal year, Lindsay, instead of our personal entertainment’s. We’re writing lists like these and paying attention to your car crashes because we’re rooting for you…still.

More from Mitchell Sunderland:

Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback

5 Books Every Twink Needs To Read

He Shoved His Dick Up My Ass Without My Permission (It Felt Like A Kiss)

image via Flickr user luvdietrich

About Mitchell Sunderland

Mitchell Sunderland is freelance writer and social media manager in New York. His work has appeared in VICE Magazine, Thought Catalog, The Billfold, Rookie Mag, the Huffington Post, and Emily Books Quarterly. He has ghost tweeted as and managed social media publicity campaigns for authors at Simon & Schuster, Crown/Random House, and Plume/Penguin and various tech companies. He tweets and tumblrs regularly. Email him about your life and his work at mitchell.p.sunderland@gmail.com.

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