The Twink Guide To Tanning

Retro Twink Speedo

Retro tanning twink.

 

The groundhog was too busy twerking to see his shadow, so Spring is rapidly approaching! And you know what that means…tanning season! For those of you still traipsing around in a foot of snow, this info may be useful a few weeks later than the lucky ones living further South.

As a child of two Jewish parents, I have to work extra hard to keep a nice, bronze tone. Luckily, my father is Native American so I have an easier time than others. But for all of you pasty ass twinks out there, here are some easy tips for tanning that will help you look less like an Edward and more like a Jacob.

Being a Southern boy who was raised in the Florida panhandle, I grew up with a beautiful beach less than 15 minutes away. However, whether it be the Atlantic or Pacific, a pool, a tanning bed, a fountain, or a water fountain, the most important rule of tanning is to STAY cool and hydrated! Too many times have I gone tanning with friends and had to go home early because they forgot to bring water and got dehydrated. The longer you keep hydrated, the longer you get to stay out and tan!

If you’re tanning outside, the next rule is to take breaks inside! Your skin can only absorb so much UV rays at a time! If you tan for an hour, take a 30-minute break to allow your body to rest from the beautiful poison you’re subjecting it to! The best times to tan are between 10 AM and 2 PM because that’s when the sun’s UV rays are strongest. Ideally, one would go outside from 10-11, rest from 11-11:30, tan from 11:30-12:30, go eat lunch, etc. I also wouldn’t recommend tanning for more than 2 hours at a time because after that, the rays really do damage to your skin and no gay wants to be that DILF with sunspots.

For those of you who need a little extra artificial push to get your skin cells to react, use a suntan oil or lotion. The purpose of suntan oil or lotion is to provide minimal protection to your skin so the UV rays make your skin cells react. If you want to tan, do not use above an SPF 10. I personally like to use Australia Gold suntan oils when I tan. They have a good smell and come with bronzer in it to give your skin that EXTRA push. However, a lot of gays nowadays like all natural products.

To satisfy your natural cravings, I recommend a solution of coconut oil, walnut oil, and sesame seed oil. Coconut oil is one of the main ingredients in most suntan products, and the other oils will keep your skin moisturized. Lavender also helps reduce inflammation, so adding a few drops of that won’t hurt. However, natural products do not offer the same amount of protection against those harmful rays that non-natural products do.

Finally, clothing is OPTIONAL! No one wants unflattering tan lines. However, if you don’t have the luxury of a private pool or tanning bed, wear a cute bathing suit (Speedos recommended) and show off your hot bod.

Happy tanning!

More from The Homo Life:

39 Signs You’re A Twink

How To Look Like A Very Rich Bitch

Face Masks For When You Don’t Want To Look Like A Terrible Monster

5 Twinks Zayn Malik Should Date

image via Alan Light’s Flickr

About GabeFriedman

Gabe Friedman grew up in Pensacola, FL and is now a freshman in the BFA Musical Theatre program at the University of Central Florida in Orlando. He likes kosher piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. You can always find him tweeting or instagramming at @friedgabe, posting on his Facebook, or checking his Grindr account. And for you theatre geeks, Gabe runs the parody Twitter account @homosexuactor.