My Online Teenage Life: Lindsay Lohan Comeback Edition


Posted on 2009.08.02 at 13:18
In an interviewwith Bookslut, the seventy-something novelist Andrew Holleran describes his romantic life as a flop. He’s slept with hundreds of partners but only experienced one relationship that was a two-month affair. Unsurprisingly, Holleran is a gay man. Like Stephen Sondheim, who found his first boyfriend after he became a senior citizen, and every twink I know, Holleran is a lonely slut. He gets around—we all get around—but something, some unnamed interior thing, prevents him from turning a blow job from a man he admires into mutual love. Last night watching the world premiere of the Elizabeth Taylor biopic Lindsay Lohan’s Liz and Dick (that’s not the official title, but it should be), I thought about Holleran and all of you twinks. For the past six years, on my LiveJournal, BlogSpot, and Tumblr, I have written posts dedicated to “Lindsay Lohan’s comeback,” an event that has yet to occur. 2012 has seen the most progress toward a Lohan return. She delivered no punch lines—but huge ratings—on Saturday Night Live and filmed three movies. As a career reboot, Liz and Dick failed, but LiLo should have predicted that. She signed onto a Lifetime movie. But as camp, an attempt to please the gays that never left her, the film drunkenly shoves Showgirls and All About Eve off their high camp pedestal.Little happens besides Lindsay screaming at and kissing whomever played Richard Burton. However, even while shouting and crying and drinking on cardboard sets, she has a star presence that turns the line “I’m bored. I’m BORED!” into a catchphrase, Ambien into Adderall. It’s a miracle that Liz and Dick isn’t boring.Of course, half the appeal is that Lindsay pops pills while screaming “I’m BORED!” Judy, Britney, Liz, Bette—gays love a hot mess. Everyone knows that; no need to bore you. But in the golden age of hot messes, Lindsay has retained the spotlight without a reality television show, even as she added less roles to her IMDB page than Tara Reid. Most Disney stars fall. Bigger stars have faded under less attention (Faye Dunaway where art thou?) , yet Cady Harrington, the girl that drove Herbie and knew who killed me, remains.

Midway through the movie Lindsay Lohan reveals how she became both a typical gay icon and the world’s first biggest living movie star who doesn’t make movies at all.

She wakes up in bed with Dick. Their children run into the room and crawl onto the bed. Dick looks like a father, and Liz resembles his daughter. Too thin to have birthed children, eyes in need of parents’ attention, Lindsay still looks like the little girl from The Parent Trap, the twin who wants a father played by the real life little girl who wants a daddy. She’s a child forever, as gay men are teenagers forever longing for the boys they blew last weekend to ask them on a date. Lindsay is forever our girl.

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About Mitchell Sunderland

Mitchell Sunderland is freelance writer and social media manager in New York. His work has appeared in VICE Magazine, Thought Catalog, The Billfold, Rookie Mag, the Huffington Post, and Emily Books Quarterly. He has ghost tweeted as and managed social media publicity campaigns for authors at Simon & Schuster, Crown/Random House, and Plume/Penguin and various tech companies. He tweets and tumblrs regularly. Email him about your life and his work at

6 Responses to My Online Teenage Life: Lindsay Lohan Comeback Edition

  1. Steven says:

    It’s Cady Heron, love.

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