My Fag Hags Through the Years

As the openly gay freshman at my high school, I needed my fag hags. After I gave my first blowjob, I thought I needed fag hags the way Honey Boo Boo needs her go-go juice. As a twenty-year old I thought girls had always treated me like a purse, where girls believed I needed them. Looking back, we were both right.
Amy (Age 5-7)
For every gay boy, there is a quiet blonde girl who makes sarcastic comments. On the playground in pre-k, Amy was that girl.

Becky (Age 7-11)
Becky and I spent P.E. walking around a baseball field talking about boys she wanted to marry. When I left Catholic school to attend Drug Cartel High, we fell out of contact. She continued to pray to Jesus; I started to suck cock. I wondered what she would think about my new hobbies. Last December she found me on Facebook. “I had a dream about you listening to Britney,” she said. “I hope things haven’t changed.” I wonder if she knew I was gay all along.

Elena (Age 11-14 and 18-Present)
I called Elena a lesbian on the playground; she called me a fag. Freshman year she transferred to a boarding school in the Northeast. I didn’t see her for four years and I never knew why. Last year she re-entered my life. I found out a drug cartel framed her Dad when we were in middle school. The jury found him innocent. We now get dinner twice a year.

Antoinette (Age 13-Present)
After years of hating each other, we began to grow close over mutual hatred for our friend’s boyfriend. Our connection felt spiritual, because we have nothing in common. One day at Applebee’s we both broke down crying and told each other our parent’s were drug addicts. Everything made sense.

Georgi (Age 12-14)
During lunch in middle school we talked about the Smashing Pumpkins and reality television shows. Somehow this often led to conversations about death. I worried about my parents overdosing; Georgi said she wanted her family to cremate her after her death.
The next week her car exploded. I never saw her again.

Carole (Age 13-15)
We met at a party celebrating the thirteenth birthday of the grandchild of the inventor of the vertical blind. After their grandpa presented them with his patents as a gift, the twins asked everyone to dance to a crappy White Stripes song. I was discovering my homosexuality at the time, so asked Carole to dance—she wore chains and suspenders she bought at Hot Topic. We dated for a month and then remained friends till she called me out on Livejournal for oversharing about my best friend’s death. Every few months we drink at her house, but it’s never the same.

Viv (Ages 13-Present)
We became best friends and handjob buddies because our best friend died. After a seventeen-year-old guy named Jesus took advantage of me as I slept on her couch, I came out as a homo to her. We Skype every Sunday.

Aurora (Ages 13-Present)
The first night we hung out, her Mom tried threatened to throw a vase at us because we were sober. Six years later, Aurora became a stripper.

Anastasia (Ages 14-Present)
We got into a fist fight at Disney World because we wanted to lip sync as the same “White Christmas” characters. The fight ended because I started to cry and my moisturizer washed into my eyes. We laughed and then drunkenly made out a few hours later.

Charley (Ages 14-Present)
When Charley has a boyfriend, her boy toys call me crying. When Charley’s single, she calls me telling me that she saw other girls writing on my Facebook wall.

Gabriella (Ages 14-18)
Despite her Venezuelan butt and double d’s, Gabriella never found a long-term boyfriend. We went to Starbucks to talk about boys and to prom and homecoming together to avoid our broken hearts. After high school graduation she joined a sorority. I tried to see her last summer when I went to Florida, but I’m not in a frat: She ignored my text messages.

The Cum Monster (18-Present)
Someone brought Cummy to my 18th birthday party. She asked for my cum in a jar for Christmas. We made a Pad Thai date for the next week, but we made out in a dumpster instead.

Birthday Girl (18-Present)
Drunkenly she came into my room and handed me a shirt. “Have this,” she said. Then she laid down on my bed without my permission and told me about how much she hates the Mexican she loves.

Anna Karenina (18-Present)
One night I said I would date her if I weren’t gay. “Then let’s try to have sex,” she said as a joke. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” I said. “What the hell! We’re in college!” I led Anna Karenina to my room, where she stripped and then put on my cowboy hat. I couldn’t get my dick up, so I turned on gay porn (Broke Straight Boys to be exact). Once I was hard, Anna Karenina sat on my dick. Instantaneously, my penis went soft. She threw my cowboy hat on the ground. I laughed and then took a shot.

Note: All names have been changed except Viv’s because everyone knows she gave me a handjob in the seventh grade.

About Mitchell Sunderland

Mitchell Sunderland is freelance writer and social media manager in New York. His work has appeared in VICE Magazine, Thought Catalog, The Billfold, Rookie Mag, the Huffington Post, and Emily Books Quarterly. He has ghost tweeted as and managed social media publicity campaigns for authors at Simon & Schuster, Crown/Random House, and Plume/Penguin and various tech companies. He tweets and tumblrs regularly. Email him about your life and his work at mitchell.p.sunderland@gmail.com.

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