Listen up, homos! Maybe you feel like you are somehow exempt from the beauty section of this website, thinking it the fodder of so many twinks and men who use under eye concealer. Well, guess what. Even if you are the bear-iest bear, even if you look like the Brawny Paper Towel man and chop wood all day and happen to like butts, even if you are a gay cowboy or a closeted NFL player or just a regular schlub who plays video games in his cargo pants, you need lip balm. NO ONE IS EXEMPT FROM LIP BALM. Beyonce, your next door neighbor who pets his cats too loudly, Barack Obama, your Grandma, Kim Zolciak, new born babies: they all need and use lip balm! All lips get chappy, especially in the dead of this horrific winter. The groundhog was wearing Chap Stick when he lied about seeing his damn shadow! Lip balm is the great equalizer, like death but with a hint of cocoa butter. I’ve brought together some of America’s most influential lip balms for one massive product smack down so YOU can pick which one is right for you.
Lip balm zero, if you will. The OG of lip balms, favored by basic bitches and people who just can’t bring themselves to give a shit the world over. Chapstick is so basic that when I entered “chapstick” into Google Shopping to find a link for this post it refused to give me any links, instead offering a variety of other lip balms as if to say, “But wouldn’t you like these better?” My best straight guy friend keeps a Chapstick in his pocket at all times, and when I asked him his requirements for a lip balm, he answered “Whether or not it works. Chapstick works.” From the mouths of babes.
GOOD FOR: People who don’t give a fuck; when your lips get chapped in a gas station; Christmas stockings of relatives you feel ambivalent about
Okay, Carmex is very, very popular in America but that shit is nasty. What, you NEVER lick your lips? It makes my mouth taste like the inside of an auto-body shop. I guess it’s medicated, and in the old fashioned days marketed for cold sores? Go buy some Abreva, you filthy minx.
GOOD FOR: People without taste buds; guys who get around too much.
NIVEA A KISS OF MILK AND HONEY
Nivea’s Milk and Honey creation is MY favorite drug store lip balm. It’s very soothing and tastes like a delicious treat and smells heavenly. Fun Fact: Before becoming the name of every hipster cupcake bakery in Brooklyn and the scent of lower end body products, “milk and honey” actually referred to the land of Israel, a storied nation the Jewish people escaped to after years of horrific enslavement and a long, harsh crawl through the desert. Who knew?
GOOD FOR: Me, so therefore everybody on Earth.
EOS LIP BALM
This is that weird lip balm that comes in an orb. I actually find this lip balm to be highly ineffective and maybe even a little bit drying, but my sister loves it as you have to smear a tiny golf ball of product all over your lips, an act so personal and germy that after watching you no one will ask if they can borrow your lip balm.
GOOD FOR: Germaphobes, Brunette 20 year-old creative writers who would never share their Nickelodeon Magazines (cough, cough)
TURO PROTECTIVE LIP BALM
When I first opened Turo’s lip balm, I was braced by the masculine smell, before remembering it was actually a product marketed towards men and therefore doing its job. What I like about this product is that it’s matte, which is great for men suffering from product shame, because no one has to know you’re wearing lip balm, and for women who think shiny lips are kind of tacky (me.)
GOOD FOR: Closeted lip balm wearers, self-respecting masculine types, girls who don’t want to look so slanky. You can buy it here.
ELIZABETH ARDEN 8-HOUR CREAM
This multitasking balm comes in a squeeze tube and is like Vaseline on steroids; it’s great for the lips but also cuticles, eyebrows, and chapped patches of skin. The packaging is kind of stuffy and old fashioned but in a nice lady! Some days you want to feel like Brooke Astor tending to her parched face.
GOOD FOR: people with lots of dry skin needs, Charlotte York’s former mother-in-law
FRESH SUGAR LIP TREATMENT
The standard in high-end, ridiculously priced lip treatments (no one is dropping $22 on a LIP BALM) this stuff feels like dragging lemon-sugar flavored cashmere over your lips. It comes in a myriad of colors if that’s your thing (Plum is my favorite) and one tube lasts a ridiculous amount of time. Plus, it’s Namoi Campbell’s favorite lip balm.
GOOD FOR: when you want a taste of luxury, treating yourself, beautiful but also hideous monster people who like hucking cell phones at plebians/forehead shaming a young Tyra Banks.
Did I miss anything? Leave your must haves in the comments or tweet me your lip balm favorites @The_Sample_Life!
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