Jesus Was The Original Twink

Considering I recently wrote on The Homo Life about giving an old guy a foot-job, you’re probably surprised I left the National Museum of Barcelona thinking about Baroque paintings of Jesus Christ. But this falls in line with my usual pattern of behavior. For the past week, I had shared a room with my fag hag in several European cities that forbid women from entering their gay sex clubs; I hadn’t masturbated or fucked in over five days. Seeing a skinny, white dude wearing nothing but a white hand towel over his dick made me as horny as a ninth grade closet case who just saw his football player crush’s cock in the locker room.

I left the museum gallery to jack off in the bathroom, expecting a cum session to cleanse my thoughts, but, on the train ride back to my hostel, I continued to mediate on Christ’s cock. My meditation session was more than sexual fantasy. Thinking about the blood on Christ’s hips and Judas kissing his lips, I felt something special with Jesus, not something religious but something deeper: a connection. The messiah was more than a first century Cocky Boy; Jesus was the original twink.

 

"The Madonna and Child"

“The Madonna and Child”

 

He talked to a woman named Madonna about his problems.

"Coronation of the Virgin," Juan Luis Zambrano

“Coronation of the Virgin,” Juan Luis Zambrano

 

And at night, he thought about his complicated relationship with his father.

jesus appears to mary magdalene

“Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene,” Lavinia Fontana

 

But unlike Jerusalem’s boys that like girls, he treated the town whore like an angel and considered her his best friend. Although his platonic friends hated on Mary M, he loved them anyways, but not as much as he loved this bad boy:

"Kiss of Judas," Caravaggio

“Kiss of Judas,” Caravaggio

 

Everyone told him Judas was bad news, but he kissed him anyways. One of Jesus wannabe fag hags later wrote a song about it.

"Judas," Lady Gaga

“Judas,” Lady Gaga

 

Jesus would have been better choosing Lady Gaga as a friend than his closeted Christian friend, Peter, who betrayed him. Of course, Jesus was God’s chosen H.B.I.C. He understand the gay boy cardinal rule (hags before fags) and threw Peter mad shade. A few hours later, he forgave Peter; Jesus had been criticized by society, and he knew forgiveness is a key part of progress.

Untitled

He was even forgave the Romans, who became his main followers years later, as high school homos’ bullies come out as fellow cock suckers in college. 

"Preparation for the Crucifixion," Juan Ribalta

“Preparation for the Crucifixion,” Juan Ribalta

 

But who can blame Jesus? He looked hot in the clothes they gave him…

"Crucifixion, Alonso Cano

“Crucifixion, Alonso Cano

 

twinkskissing

…and pale in a emo-twink-circa-2003 way.

"Saint Francis Embracing the Crucified Christ," Francisco Ribalta

“Saint Francis Embracing the Crucified Christ,” Francisco Ribalta

 

And did I mention, that despite living in macho Rome, his natural thinness empathized his birthing hips and cute butt? The Romans were probably just jealous that Jesus could make his punishment, a crown of thorns, into a cultural icon.

madonna crown of thorns

But Jesus knows haters hate because they’re jealous. He wasn’t a basic bitch.

"Heaven to Hell," David LaChapelle

“Heaven to Hell,” David LaChapelle

 

He was the son of God, but in the museum, I didn’t have a spiritual connection. I have more in common with Jesus than the nuns that taught me at Nativity Catholic School or the middle age men I’ve slept with.

jesusrainbow

Jesus was the original twink.

More from Mitchell Sunderland:

He Shoved His Dick Up My Ass Without My Permission (It Felt Like A Kiss)

39 Signs You’re A Twink

America’s Best Pop Singer Isn’t A Poet (He’s A Singer)

I Used Grindr To Cure My Seasonal Depression (It Didn’t Work)

Picture sources: The Madonna and Child, Coronation of the Virgin, Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene, Kiss of Judas, “Judas” Lady Gaga, Preparation for the Crucifixion, Crucifixion, Twinks kissing, Saint Francis Embracing the Crucified Christ, Madonna Crown of Thorns, Heaven to Hell, Jesus on Cross Rainbow Flag

About Mitchell Sunderland

Mitchell Sunderland is freelance writer and social media manager in New York. His work has appeared in VICE Magazine, Thought Catalog, The Billfold, Rookie Mag, the Huffington Post, and Emily Books Quarterly. He has ghost tweeted as and managed social media publicity campaigns for authors at Simon & Schuster, Crown/Random House, and Plume/Penguin and various tech companies. He tweets and tumblrs regularly. Email him about your life and his work at mitchell.p.sunderland@gmail.com.

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