I’m a Lesbian Directioner

Hello world, I’m Julia, and I’m a lesbian. Completely and totally, through and through. Frankly, thinking about a penis gives me that weird wet feeling you get in the back of your mouth before you vomit, and sometimes I even find it hard to eat popsicles. So why the fuck have I fallen head over heels for five British boys wearing striped shirts and tight pants dancing around on the beach? That’s right, I’m a lesbian Directioner and probably the only one of my kind. But I’m not apologizing.

There is something about Zayn’s ridiculous tattoos, the weird mound of curls seated atop Harry’s head, and the way the sun bounces off Niall’s braces that sets my heart a flutter. I can’t resist spending hours perched in front of YouTube watching their interviews or checking what the boys are up to on Twitter, and with the release date of their second album growing closer and closer, I find myself simply on the edge of my seat.

I wasn’t always this free with my love. The first few days of my obsession was a hard time, one filled with much guilt and many secrets. I still remember the wave of shame and self-hate that came over me the first time my curser hovered over the ‘One Direction’ tag on Oh No They Didn’t. With time I’ve come to realize that there has to be a reason that these guys are selling out arenas in seconds and selling millions of albums worldwide, and it’s because their music is a goddamn good time.

Sometimes it feels good to let loose and listen to some youngsters sing about going crazy, crazy, crazy, ‘til they see the sun or staying up all night with Katy Perry on replay. It’s fun and I’m not hurting anyone, as long as I keep my obsession under control–an issue that arose a few months ago when I got hammered and told the girl I was hooking up with that one time I was driving in my car listening to the classic 1D hit, “Everything About You” when I looked into the sky, saw fireworks, and suddenly she came to mind. It definitely wasn’t my best line and she wasn’t impressed, but I have since gotten things a little more on lock. Plus, she still sleeps with me.

So although I am unlike all other Directioners in the world in not wanting Harry Styles’s penis anywhere near my face, I’m still having a blast with the boys and enjoying every new single, video, and awkward kiss Harry places on the cheek of swooning female interviewers. These five goofs are close to taking over the entire world and this lesbian is loving every second of it.


image via Flickr user djrosstheboss

About Julia Birnbaum

Julia Birnbaum is a college junior from Philadelphia. Julia focuses in writing at Sarah Lawrence College in New York but is currently overdosing on pasta while studying abroad in Florence, Italy. Follow her on Twitter at @jaybeetheworst and feel free to send any of your thoughts, questions, secrets or love confessions to her at juliawhat@comcast.net.

5 Responses to I’m a Lesbian Directioner

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  2. Mia says:

    Oh my god. I am so glad I found this article, I wasn’t even looking for it! But seriously, I’m a lesbian as well, but I have become absolutely infatuated with One Direction. I’ve been absolutely fucking horrified with myself, but then I turned and now I’m all ‘Haters Gonna Hate’. Anyway, it’s weird how these lads that I’d usually scoff at have become the people I’m constantly watching interviews of. How? I have no idea. But at least I’m not the only one.

  3. K says:

    Ohhh thank fuckk! I really thought I was the only one, absolutely love those boys, none of my friends know though coz they’re all fucking hipsters. BUT WHATEVER, they make me laugh and stuff, and make rad music that I may or may not clean my house half naked to… (Secret) Lesbian Directioner for sure!

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  5. Zoe says:

    O MY GOD, I seriously thought I was the only one. I’m not open at all about my love for one direction because I usually listen to punk rock and heavy stuff, and well… I’m a lesbian who is mortified by penises, so of course this obsession is a secret.

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