I Judge A Man By His Nipples

Everyone has their slightly strange sexual turn-on that can’t quite be classified as a fetish. Whether it’s large hands, a shaved head, or a distinct happy trail, one looks for these simple things for an extra spark of sexual gratification. For me, it’s nipples. (I prefer a medium, horizontal oval shape with the same shade of brown as a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.) If a guy doesn’t have ideal nipples, it can actually a deal breaker. I thank God for shirtless pictures on OkCupid profiles not to scope out if my potential date has abs or V-Lines, but to see if his nipples are in line with my idea of perfection.

I think I realized my obsession in the summer after my high school graduation while working the cash register at a local, podunk water park. Besides seeing camel toe for hours and families that could easily rival the Honey Boo Boo squad in a sketti-eating contest, I was blessed with seeing thousands of hot, shirtless men over the course of my 8-hour shifts. Before then, all of my hookups and the majority of my seeing naked men outside of porn, involved suffocating in fogged up windows in the back of my car at the discount movie theater. Shirts rarely came off, and even if they did, the subtle glow of the red cinema sign was hardly enough to illuminate the true apples of my eye.

While taking orders for pizza in the sweltering heat I would let my eyes gaze down to the college footballers’ pecs, mentally rating each one. Some were too round and many had bizarre, long hairs poking out at the edges. Some too closely resembled man boobs and others looked like those of a nursing possum. But when the few perfect nipples came around, I allowed myself to have mini-heart attacks as they pulled soggy, wet dollar bills out of the crotch of their swimsuits. They were perfect and what I chose to lock my eyes on. Not on their bulge or ass, smile or abs, but their nipples that serve no real purpose out of sexual stimulation for some.

Imagine my disappointment when guys I like don’t have nice nipples. Although the discovery is less frightening than having a horrifyingly large penis or some other oddity, it’s still slightly heartbreaking. Why can’t a man’s nipples match the perfection or his smile, or the strength of his laugh, or the charismatic tone of his voice? Am I allowed this one unusual caveat to judge men by or is this simply a strange almost-fetish that I shouldn’t revolve my entire sexual life around?

Whether I end up hooking up, dating, being in a relationship with, or marrying a man with nipples that are not so perfect in my eyes, the fact will still remain the same: I judge a man by his nipples. They’re the first things I notice and the first things I remember.

Do you have an abnormal aspect of a guy that you look for? A big Adam’s apple, hairy feet, or well-defined thighs? Let me know in the comments section below or tweet me at @TheHomoLifeSite OR @TheAlexHughes!


Image via: kstepanoff on Flickr

More from Alex Hughes:

5 Words That Need To Be Banned From The Gay Dictionary

I Grew Up In The Fattest City in America

About Alex Hughes

Alex Hughes (Founder and Editor-in-chief) grew up in the Bible Belt and now lives in New York City. He is also an Assistant Editor at The Faster Times and Faster Times Media, as well as a contributor to SLC Speaks. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes or e-mail him at

4 Responses to I Judge A Man By His Nipples

  1. That’s too funny! This is a well written and fun article to read – kudos to you, sir! I admit the entire torso is quite attractive to me, but a nice happy trail is just UNF.

  2. Cody says:

    For my my favorite aspect of the male physical form is strong muscular arms, and either muscular shaved legs or hairy legs. I’m an arm and leg man so I love it when guys wear tank tops and short shorts!!

  3. If we’re talking about slightly strange turn ons I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m an armpit guy. Shaved pits are a big no for me and a potential deal breaker especially if the guy is built (like seriously, ew). Give me a man with a nice bush under his arms and I’ll be drooling more than a drunk frat boy at a titty bar.

    My future husband would be a southern gentleman with possum pits and a Georgia drawl and would look, ideally, much like this gentleman: goo.gl/MfcQT

  4. Pingback: 39 Signs You're A Twink

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