So you have your perfect Twitter name chosen and now you’re like “if you build it, they will come.” Not at all. In fact, you’ll spend the majority of your beginning tweeting days just typing in bullshit that no one hears, no matter how funny you are. Unless you do the following:
1. Figure out your target audience: Decide whom you’re going to be tweeting to. This should be fairly simple as you essentially want to tweet to people like yourself, so take a long look in the mirror – preferably not the same dirty bathroom mirror where you took your awful Grindr pic.
2. Determine who the “idols” are in this category: If you’re a drunken mother, look at Dina Lohan, or any of the Real Housewives. If you’re a bottom bitch, look at Anderson Cooper, or any of the One Direction boys. Seriously though – find your idol. It’s important if you want to get noticed.
3. Set your notifications to “on” for your idol: All of you should already have me on full blast with this, so you can instantly see what I tweet and then retweet and star the fuck out of me. The reason for doing this is that you get up-to-the-second notifications, so if you’re at work or doing laundry or jacking off, you will be interrupted even more by your phone.
4. The second they tweet something, try to be the first to reply: You basically want to stalk them. NONE OF YOU SHOULD DO THIS TO ME. But do this with your other idols, and don’t just say stupid shit like “hahaha” or “LMFAO.” Be witty, and be your Twitter character. The idea is that you want to be “advertised,” and in order to do that, you need to speak in front of everybody who also follows them. If you’re the first one to reply, they’ll see your name first (and hopefully your funny-ass response).
5. Keep your eye on their tweet that you just replied to: Other people will naturally reply to them as well. STAR those people. If they’re funny, follow them. Most people will follow you back. You might even get lucky enough and have your idol follow you back. (I DON’T DO THIS SO DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING THIS WITH ME.)
6. Repeat and delete: Do this many, many times. Until you have maybe 500 tweets in. Then go back and delete the fuck out of all of your “@” replies. They clutter up your feed and no one reads them anyway. You want to do this until you have at least 1,000 followers. See you in a couple years!
Follow Frank Lowe on Twitter! @GayAtHomeDad
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