When one starts to write about the Real Housewives, where do they begin? I sit here, by the light of candle with my ink and quill, wondering how best to convey my love for these women. What to say that hasn’t been said, and said much better by Julie Klausner?
The task of discussing the Housewives is daunting, because, and I just counted, there are 36 current and active Housewives (31 if you subtract all the Miami girls but add Mama Elsa), and even more “friends of Housewives” like the awful Dana “$25,000 Sunglasses” Horribleface and Kims D and G and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. Obviously breaking down people’s looks is my forte, so I figured to start off on my Real Housewives blogging adventures I might analyze the beauty choices of some of the shows’ new hires.
I love Kenya, you love Kenya, we love Kenya, Beyoncé loves Kenya, so therefore America loves Kenya. I think Bravo expected that she would serve as the show’s villain and I expected that I would love-hate her, but I just love-love her. She is Tyra Bank’s living, walking portrait of Dorian Gray, or maybe an American Naomi Campbell as conceptualized by Tyler Perry. Who can trifle with that? She actually comes off as smart and savvy in a bat-shit crazy way, and the girls she tends to have conflict with the most are the most jelly-backboned and uninteresting, like Cynthia or Portia, who shouldn’t complain because they wouldn’t get screen time without her. Also, I like that she concocts her own story lines that are attention grabbing but also extremely unflattering. Like, she OBVIOUSLY hired that guy Walter (probs gay, right?) to be her boyfriend but then the storyline she engineers for herself is that he can’t get it up for her and doesn’t find her sexually attractive? Why of all the lies that you could spread about yourself (LOOKING AT YOU THE FLAWLESS PHAEDRA PARKS, ESQUIRE AND YOUR 7 MONTH ALREADY COOKED BABY) would you pick “I am so unattractive my weird boyfriend who looks like a snapping turtle with no charisma will not accost me in the shower”? That’s stupid. Stupid good. Also she once posted this on Twitter:
Amazing. I love her child-like understanding of social media, which is the trademark of a true Real Housewife, like a kid who covers their eyes and expects that no one can see them. Kenya’s entire color scheme is what I would call an EXTREMELY misguided Burnt Sienna. Like this bitch colors her hair crispy orange, paints her face red like the color of cheap Chinese food pork, and only wears body con dresses in various shades of Mac n’ Cheese. Don’t believe me?
I also like that during her infamous Gone With The Wind Fabulous twirling scene she was wearing something that could have conceivably been sewn from a pair of more minor Tara curtains, perhaps from a birthing or deathing room, or maybe just Scarlett O’Hara’s ruffled bed skirt.
Oh my God, are we really going to have to start caring about her? Obviously she’s been brought in to distract us from an intoxicated Taylor Armstrong accidentally pouring water on herself because she wanted to check the label on the bottom of a vase of flowers, or whatever she’s toddling around doing in the background. Andy Cohen, that is great TV! What is wrong with you? How great would it be to see a drunk Taylor slur the words to the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s “Maps” at karaoke? “Waiiiiittttt, they don’t looooove you like I loooooove you,” she’d cry-sing while making direct eye contact with what she insists is a ghost.
I digress. “Marisa’s really like Brandi, she always speaks her mind!” Umm, Brandi’s farts have more personality than this girl. I will admit that watching her REALLY awkwardly take a stab at pole dancing like a gyrating human question mark was pretty good, especially because all of the other woman totally ignored her and refused to cheer her despite her obvious discomfort. “To me, being sexy is being a strong, successful, independent woman, who can take care of herself financially,” she explains. Yeah, definitely. That explains the surplus of “women paying their own rent and setting up 401k’s” porn I’ve been seeing on the internet lately. More disturbing to me is her hair: right off the bat, she comes off like an anemic Elizabeth Banks but when you get a closer look you realize that she is a wealthy 30-something Los Angeles woman sporting that two-tone skunk hair that all girls get after they leave rehab.
What an unexpected, Avril Lavigne influenced twist! A millionairess who inexplicably opts to style herself in the image of a Teen Mom who still wants to attract minor BMX bikers. I’m kind of surprised she doesn’t wear bejeweled Iron Cross tank tops everywhere, but maybe she keeps those on reserve for Pensecola Beach spring breaks, a thing that I accidentally attended during a high school Habitat for Humanity trip. There is seemingly no explanation for this grooming choice, and she continues to offend by putting all four strands of her hair up into a deflated gym ponytail every time she goes to a nice dinner. I present yoga hair vs. going out hair:
Lady, you’re on television now. There are millions of gay men watching and judging you. If it takes MJ from Shah’s of Sunset longer to wriggle into an unsupportive monokini (easy joke but she brings new definition to “low hanging fruit”) than it does for you to style your “going out” hair, something ain’t right. Make an effort, girl. Kyle brushes her hair 1’000 strokes a day while staring in the mirror, pretending to be Olivia Newton John in the cartoon sequence from ‘Grease’! Kim rubs chicken salad on her neck in the hopes of tantalizing Ken, aka Walter’s brother from another mother, back into her loving arms! Even Giggy makes an attempt to conceal his alopecia. Get on the ball!
Really I only bring her up because I wanted to make this.
You’re all welcome. I drop the mic.
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