So far the past week I’ve been in and out of the emergency room with complex migraines (Google and weep). Needless to say, this has left me looking like shit. A lot of women’s websites (OK, just xoJane) will write you articles on “Best Nail Polishes to Lift You From Seasonal Depression” or “The Beach Texturizer that Helped Me Through My Hysterectomy” (seriously xoJane, why so many hysterectomies?) but let me tell you, when you have a migraine you are not thinking about that. “Maybe I should push back my cuticles?” I thought, weakly, before the tiny bird that lives in the Flinstones record player returned from a brief respite from drilling his beak straight into my skull. Kidding. This didn’t even happen, there was not a second I thought about my appearance, except for maybe the brief moment before I was out the door to the ER where I made sure the colors of my sweatpants/sweatshirt combo didn’t turn out too monochromatic (‘cuz you never heard Jigga brag about All Heather Everything!)
But now that terrible chapter of my life is over, and my boyfriend is sweetly joining me for my convalescence. Now is the time when I do not want to look like a terrible cave dweller, or like Jackie from the episode of That 70’s Show when Kelso sees her all gross and sick. What’s a vain lady to do? Pull out her secret weapons OF COURSE.
First up is this rank jar of powdery green clay, Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay. Don’t ask me how I found it, but I saw the jar at Whole Foods for a mere six bucks and begged my mother to buy it. “Alright, as long as you don’t take it off with any of my wash clothes,” she sighed. “Okay!” I lied.
The deal with this powder is your mix it with raw apple cider vinegar (RAW! If you use regular from Stop and Shot your Face. Will. Itch.) and stir it with a non-metal utensil like a plastic fork or Wendy’s straw, spread the glompy green paste on your face, and wait. Wait a while. The mixture will begin to harden. Wait more. Eventually, the mixture will begin to PULL at your face and kind of pulsate. Wait until that becomes unbearable, and then begin the hideous undertaking of scrubbing it off your face. This will take a while and when you are done your face will be BRIGHT RED! This isn’t from a chemical burn, calm down, it’s just because your face is being pulled at so much! Feel your face. Smooth and glowing as a babies bottom. In three hours you’ll be back to your normal color and your pores will be clear, your zits will be gone, and you’ll look amazing.
The next step I took (I did this the next day, I didn’t want major overkill) is to use the REN Glycol Lactic Radiance Renewal Mask.
I got two little envelopes of this liquid gold at Sephora the very day I awkwardly milled around waiting for my sister to return $160 in grody bullshit, and a sales girl pressured me to try something, anything. This stuff is THE BEST.
You schmere the bright orange gel that comes in the packets all over your face and wait 10 tingly minutes for it to work its magic. A lot of bloggers have been saying this smells amazing, like fresh oranges, but as you know the best bloggers are from the UK and have probably never smelled a piece of fresh fruit in their lives. This stuff actually smells like orange Starburst, which is also fine, whatever, but just don’t get it twisted. But ignore the smell! It’s amazing! Once you wipe it off you look glowing, like you just slept 1 million years but not in a sick way, like you are radiant but not in a pregnant way. This stuff does not come cheap which is why I am asking for it for my birthday but you could always go back to Sephora and swipe samples again and again for the rest of your life. Who am I to judge? Hopefully all of this makes me look rested and ethereal rather instead of the cranky and disgusting golem my neurological ailment has turned me into!
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