5 Twinks Zayn Malik Should Date

Zayn, like any other twink, has too many bad tattoos to count.

Zayn, like any other twink, has too many bad tattoos to count.

 

Now that Zayn Malik’s kind of maybe single and has broken up with beauty school dropout look-a-like Perrie, it’s time for the most beautiful man on the entire planet to find a new boo. Although Zayn describes his dream girl as “somebody who’s laid-back and chilled out, and who doesn’t take herself too seriously,” I think he really just needs a submissive twink bottom who would happily turn a blind eye if the star boned a fan or two (or a band mate) while on the road. Here are five eligible twinks who reigning Pakistani twink king should consider on his quest to find his next butt buddy.

 

They could already be dating and we wouldn't even know it.

They could already be dating and we wouldn’t even know it.

 

1. Niall Horan

Yes, Niall is almost too obvious of a choice to become Zayn’s new love, but think of how perfect the relationship could be. They’re together all the time, they’re already handsy with each other, they’d never have to be apart, and they’ve already probably seen each other naked. Plus, Zayn likes blonds and Niall is obvi a total bottom and would be the perfect sexual partner for Zayn’s subtly rough aggressive top daddy behavior that I can only imagine he exhibits underneath his One Direction duvet cover.

 

He’s crying he wants Zayn so badly!

 

2. Justin Bieber

Back when I was trying to find Prince Twink Justin Bieber a new twink boo, Zayn Malik instantly came to mind as the perfect twink to fill up the empty coffers of the Bieb’s gay little heart. Now that the two are both single at the same time, isn’t this God’s way of telling us that this relationship is meant to be? Justin has a thing for ethnic ladies and Zayn likes the blonds and with their combined twink wealth they could easily buy all the tank tops and bad tattoos their hearts desire. Justin would probably want to keep their relationship a secret, and Zayn wouldn’t mind since he prides himself on being mysterious. BUNS OUT, WEINER.

 

Look at this gay little mermaid!

Look at this gay little mermaid!

 

3. Tom Daley

Need I even explain this match up? Tom’s the type of gal who’d cook Zayn breakfast in bed with a side of ass and give Zayn a BJ to get rid of his nerves before he goes on stage. Tom has never been seen wearing clothes, so it can be assumed that he’s always speedo clad and what rock star wouldn’t love that? Tom would constantly Instagram the two in bed together and doing things like anal bleaching and going tanning and we’d all act as if we were disgusted but we would love every single second of it.

 

Zayn? No.

Zayn? No.

 

4. Richard Ayala

In case you don’t know who Richard Ayala is, he’s a hot internet famous twink who a bunch of 1D-obsessed 6th grade girls on Tumblr thought was Zayn. He now has hundreds of thousands of followers across Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, and people still reblog his picture thinking they’ve just found a treasure trove of shirtless Zayn pics. But anyway, wouldn’t it be gay crazy if Zayn dated his internet look-a-like? They’d Insta together and have the ability to practically fuck their clone every night, making middle school girls shit their pants and eat tampons out of nervous fear.

 

Smoke the fag, Simon.

Smoke the fag, Simon.

 

5. Simon Cowell

Okay, he isn’t a twink, but since anyone with a brain and a heartbeat would cut off an arm to be with King of the Universe Simon Cowell, Zayn should too. Simon made Zayn who he is today and Zayn at least owes his top daddy a one night bed fight and a sexual favors coupon book. Plus, they both smoke phallic cigarettes and I personally can’t think of a hotter image than them lying in bed sharing a cig.

More from The Homo Life:

5 Twinks Justin Bieber Should Date

One Direction Holds Puppies, World Explodes From Adorable Overload

I’m A Lesbian Directioner

39 Signs You’re A Twink

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About Alex Hughes

Alex Hughes (Founder and Editor-in-chief) grew up in the Bible Belt and now lives in New York City. He is also an Assistant Editor at The Faster Times and Faster Times Media, as well as a contributor to SLC Speaks. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes or e-mail him at