39 Signs You’re A Twink

Alex Hughes | October 28, 2012 - 3:55 pm
What’s the true definition of a twink you may ask? Besides being the homosexual male’s youngest and most hairless sub-species, twinks have a couple of other traits and here’s a quick guide to determine if you can wear the twink badge of (dis)honor. You may be a twink if:

 

  • You’ve seen every cycle of America’s Next Top Model at least three times.
  • You worship Honey Boo Boo and mourn the loss of gay icon Glitzy the Pig.
  • A typical lunch is a can of Red Bull.
  • You wear Lady Gaga’s perfume “Fame.”
  • You can do makeup better than any star of Teen Mom.
  • You own a jockstrap but you don’t play sports.
  • You have a One Direction poster.
  • You respond to all of your tweets with a gif from RealityTVGifs.
  • You only talk to people who have iPhones.
  • You watch everything Bravo-related: re-runs of Kathy Griffin’s My Life on The D-List, the Real Housewives, Watch What Happens Live, and Flipping Out.
  • You’ve had sushi at least once this week.
  • You want to go to a taping of Anderson Cooper’s talk show.
  • It’s never too early to start drinking.
  • Your vocabulary mostly consists of ratchet, slay, stan, twerk, HBIC, flaw-free, and kiki (a few of which should be banned).
  • You wish you were on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
  • You know what TOWIE stands for.
  • You’ve ordered a salad at McDonald’s.
  • You refuse to wear underwear that cost less than $20.

  • You’re a Very Important Beauty Insider at Sephora.
  • You miss The Hills on a daily basis.
  • Your go-to drink is vodka.
  • Taylor Swift’s music makes you feel emotional.
  • The last book you read was Kris Jenner’s memoir.
  • You don’t have time for basic bitches.
  • You watch The X-Factor just for Britney Spears.
  • You wear sunglasses indoors.
  • You’d never be caught dead in a Sears except to buy something from the Kardashian Kollection.
  • Your blood type is Starbucks low-fat iced coffee.
  • You have at least one Hannah Montana song on your iPod.
  • You wax your ass.
  • You have an opinion on Skinnygirl.
  • You can name at least one of the Cocky Boys.
  • You wish you were Lindsay Lohan’s BFF.
  • You had lip-syncing contests with yourself.
  • You bleach your asshole.
  • TMZ is your Bible.
  • Tiffany Pollard (New York) is your alter-ego.
  • You have a star tattoo.
  • You know every single line of Mean Girls.

More from The Homo Life:

5 Twinks Justin Bieber Should Date

The Ultimate Guide to Bottoming

5 Twinks Zayn Malik Should Date

He Shoved His Dick Up My Ass Without My Permission (It Felt Like A Kiss)

About Alex Hughes

Alex Hughes (Founder and Editor-in-chief) grew up in the Bible Belt and now lives in New York City. He is also an Assistant Editor at The Faster Times and Faster Times Media, as well as a contributor to SLC Speaks. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes or e-mail him at