A few weeks ago I quit drinking because I became that boy who drinks a box of wine and then uses the line “I’m from Miami, bitch. Do you think I give a shit?” as an excuse to call strangers “faggots.” Both my parents have battled addiction, and I watched every season of Celebrity Rehab—I knew I suffered from a drinking problem. (Mike Starr and Kenickie R.I.P. I loved you.) Despite Dr. Drew’s belief that sober ex-drunks should avoid nightclubs and parties, I continued clubbing. I am from Florida and haven’t spent a weekend at home since I was sixteen—there’s no way I could give up the bottle and da club. Unfortunately, sobriety has given me clear vision—thanks to the following sights, I wonder if I should have listened to Dr. Drew. Nightlife is gross. 14 things I saw:
1.) A boy slowly stripping off the chicken suit he wore to a Christmas themed night.
2.) Upon hearing my American accent, an English fag hag asking me if I had “heard of this Honey Boo Boo girl?”
3.) The same blonde British girl pulling me to the ground outside a club to tell me to find her a girl to date and to punch “that smug slut” she saw me dancing with a few nights earlier.
4.) An old man walking around the club squeezing eighteen-year-old boys’ asses.
5.) Bouncers letting the old man squeeze boys’ asses.
6.) An English boy telling me he hated Americans, because his mother raised him as a socialist, five minutes before he made out with me at a club.
7.) My friend fingering the socialist after I abandoned him on the dance floor to kiss a boy in a suit.
8.) After making out with me for an hour, the boy in the suit asking me to go home with him after he bought one more drink, the bartender telling him the bar had shut down for the night, and my mate stomping on the ground screaming, “I JUST WANT A DRINK! SOMEONE GIVE ME A DRINK!” in response.
10.) The suit boy’s fag hag dragging him by the collar out of the club—without me.
11.) Her friend and his other fag hag trying to kiss me.
12.) Two fag hags sitting in their own vomit and crying outside a posh club called Camera.
13.) Another fag hag screaming at her boyfriend, tripping in her heels, vomiting, and then sitting in her vomit as she started to cry outside a posh club called Camera.
14.) Making out with my acquaintance, his boyfriend, and their fag hag within a five minute span, because everyone at da club has fucked the guy you’re kissing or at least keeps his fag hag on speed dial.